


Don't Give Me Up

by babsbatgirl



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, M/M, Major major spoilers, SERIOUSLY HUGE SPOILERS, Sad sad sad, This is terrible, Trespasser Spoilers, also everyone is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 14:38:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4790987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babsbatgirl/pseuds/babsbatgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashwin Lavellan finds his sister Nia, and Solas.</p><p>MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE TRESPASSER DLC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Give Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while crying because that DLC RUINED ME. So sorry about any grammar/spelling/word fuck ups. I'll correct it when I'm not emotionally dead. 
> 
> The song Nia sings is by fereldentrashbag on tumblr, I will link it as soon as I can. Beautiful song, originally written by her she's great.
> 
> Do yourself a favour and listen to Breaker of a Chains from the Game of Thrones soundtrack while you read this. It will make it twice as heartbreaking yayyyyy.  
> Also Not About Angels by Birdy.

trespassser

Ashwin tried to pick himself back up with some dignity, grimacing at the frozen qunari. Stone qunari, he supposed would better describe it. It wasn't the only one - someone, Solas, he supposed - had stopped a lot of them. He could see movement at the crest of the hill leading past the qunari. There was an angry female voice, the Viddasala had beaten them!

Ashwin made a move forward, when there was a strange noise like a mirror shattering. He turned back to the eluvian to see the rippled form of Dorian, still on the other side, fading away. 

“No!” Ashwin shouted, reaching out as if to stop the mirror from closing, but his hand met nothing but the blank surface. Panic rose in him as he tried to claw at the space, as if he could open it with his bare hands. “Dorian!” He shouted, hearing the anxiety in his voice. A cold sweat was beginning to break out over his body. He could die here and Dorian would never know- 

Dorian wouldn't even find his body. 

Ashwin could feel tears burning in his eyes, but he didn't brush them away. He couldn't care about showing weakness, not now. Not when he was trapped somewhere far from the people who cared about him. Not while the magic that had saved his life once was now killing him. 

As if thinking about it was a trigger, green light sparked high in his left fist, and the tear that had once been only in his hand, ripped further up his arm. The pain was blinding, and he cried out, slumping against the eluvian, clutching his left arm. It was like being burned; like his blood had turned to fire that threatened to consume him. Desperate for relief, his right hand clawed at the ground, his fingers sinking deep into the earth. The green light tore further up his arm and he cried out again.

“No, please no. Not here. Not here,” Ashwin moaned when the pain ebbed slightly, enough for him to take a few sobbing breaths. He tried, leaning heavily on the eluvian, to stand, but then the fire in his veins roared hotter and he fell to his knees, a soundless scream pulling the oxygen from his lungs. There was nothing else he could hear or feel but the awful pain. He knew he was dying. Perhaps Falon'Din would take mercy on him and-

No. There were no gods. Everything he knew was a lie, everything he had been brought up to believe, everything he had fought for in their name was- 

Another scream was ripped from his mouth and he fell further, slipping from the eluvian. He hit the ground hard, arrows spilling from his quiver. He barely noticed their fall as finally the Anchor tore across his chest, pausing just below his neck. He barely breathe, and every time he did it felt like his last. 

He did not want to die here. He gasped in another breath, feeling like he was watching himself do it. His body barely felt like his, as if some spectre had decided to push him out. 

Please, let him see Dorian one last time. Let him hold the man he loved once more. Let him die then, he could accept that, he begged the green light that was consuming him. He knew it was impossible to expect a reply from it, and when the light seared further still, the tears that had been brimming finally spilled from his eyes. He screamed, but not from the physical pain of his body tearing apart. Dying here, alone and so close to the end of this adventure- that was more than he could withstand. Finally, his throat hoarse and in so much pain he could barely take a recovering breath, he collapsed, eyes closed as he fell onto his back. He heard his bow, the beautiful Dalish bow that Dagna had enchanted in every way she knew how, snapped underneath him. Good, he thought. It can go with him, wherever souls go. Even with all he had learned, he still hoped that it was Falon'Din, the friend of the dead, that would collect him. 

He heard a voice, so familiar and yet not in ways, float towards him, words in the Elven tongue speaking of rest. A spirit perhaps, some friend of Cole's or Solas, come to soothe his last moments. He wasn't actually sure if he was in the Fade or not, but it no longer mattered. The pain would stop soon. He would see Dorian again one day. And Nia. He hoped she heard of his passing. Maybe she could give him a proper burial. 

His heart ached for his sister as the murmured words continued and he heard the lilt that made them a song. A high, sweet voice sang as it drew ever closer, making the tears fall faster. He missed Nia, missed her so much in that moment he almost believed that it was her voice singing him off to sleep. He opened his eyes, marvelling at the blue sky, clouds spotted here and there in wisps of white. Wherever this was, it was not a bad place to die. 

“N'abelas mah'in. Dareth eran'en insahlin samahl, ma’halla,” the voice sang, and finally an arm wound itself under Ashwin's head, cradling him gently. A woman, someone who looked startlingly like Ashwin was looking at him, tears on her cheeks and a sad smile on her lips, as if she was both terribly glad and horrified to see him. 

He gasped when he realised, and struggled to reach for her. “Nia,” he managed to get out, his right hand grabbing at her, trying desperately to reach her face. She leant it, her sobbing breaths breaking Ashwin's heart. “You're here!” He forced out, his hand finding her cheek, and feeling across the unmarked skin. It was still as dark as his, but the vallaslin they had once both worn, his red and hers deep green, was still gone from her face. He ran a finger where one fern-like pattern had traced her cheekbone and felt her do the same. 

“I'm so sorry,” Nia murmured, her words tripping over each other as she struggled to get them out. Ashwin could've laughed for joy; even if she no longer matched him in every way, her voice still had a stutter and that familiarity made him feel whole. He hadn't felt it since she had gone, following Solas. The last time they had spoken, she could not meet his eyes, as if she was ashamed to even look at him. She stared deeply at him now, looking at him like she was watching him slip away.

He opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out was a strangled groan, the Anchor sparking again. It did not grow any further, but the pain still wracked him and he clung to Nia and she to him. 

“I'll take you to him, Ashwin. You have to stand. You have to walk with me,” Nia said, softly and slowly as the pain ebbed again. The thought of trying to stand made his stomach turn, but he nodded to his sister. Nia wound her arm tighter around his shoulders and Ashwin gripped her shoulder with his right hand, his left curled against his chest, and slowly Nia helped him upright. It hurt, it hurt enough that Ashwin barely bore it, but he gritted his teeth and gripped his sister harder, leaning his whole weight on her. She held him unfalteringly, and even though he shook with every step, she guided him without complaint. Each step brought a wave of fire licking through him, making even breathing hurt. He found it more and more difficult to keep his focus on walking, he struggled to keep his grip on Nia and he felt more and more like he was slipping out of his body, moving further away from the pain that plagued his every movement. 

Nia did not once let him fall. She paused every time he began to slip, wrapping her arm ever tighter under his arms and singing again, that song he knew so well. She stumbled over a couple of words, her breath catching either from her stutter or her own tears. Ashwin felt them fall between his skin and his armour, the warmth of them bringing him back into himself a little bit each time. He felt her tug his broken bow and empty quiver from him, and heard the impact when they fell. He felt like a part of him had been thrown away along with them.

When they reached the crest of the hill, Ashwin finally forced his eyes to stay open, rather than fluttering closed. Before them was the Viddasala, no longer the proud, commanding figure that had cast accusations and her mage at Ashwin. She was like the other qunari that Nia had weaved them around - stone. And past her, standing in front of the largest eluvian Ashwin had yet seen, dressed in glimmering gold armour, was Solas. He turned as they approached.

“You have stopped the Dragon's Breath, and so saved Thedas again, my friend,” Solas said.

Any breath Ashwin had left in his body left him. No longer able to stand, and even with Nia clinging to him, holding him up, Ashwin crumbled, the Anchor's light taking the colour out of everything around him, changing it all to green and the tearing him apart from the inside. 

And then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. The mark still blazed on his hand and forearm, but it was contained, like before. One jagged line of green light. He looked up and Solas was kneeling before him, his eyes returning to their normal shade as swirls of blue light retracted. 

“That should buy us time enough to talk. You have questions,” Solas remarked, and slowly stood, walking towards the edge of the cliff the massive eluvian was perched on. 

Ashwin felt dizzy, adrenaline pumping through him as if that was what was keeping him alive. He was kneeling, Nia still wrapped around him, but now there was no singing. Her face was grave and her touch was light. Her hands trembled slightly. She was scared. The urge to comfort her rose in Ashwin, but he had no words for her. He had been so sure he would die, alone and trapped and never knowing what became of his sister and the man she loved. Now he had time enough to talk, and all he could think about was what the Archivist spirit had told him. Nia moved away from him for a moment, but took both his hands in hers when she stood in front of him, helping him to stand. She was dressed like Solas, Ashwin realised, in that same glimmering armour, though while he wore fur around his body like a sash, Nia wore no embellishments. She did not even have her staff, the beautifully carved wood that was a gift from their Keeper on becoming the First. 

Did she even know their clan was dead? What had happened to her staff, to her robes? The ironbark chainmail their craftsman had expertly created? 

As if sensing the questions bubbling in him, Nia shook her head. “Go. Talk to him,” she said slowly, her words still stuttering. Ashwin waited, as he always had, for her to finish. He never interrupted her, never spoke for her and those habits he had formed were still with him, even now. She dropped his hands, and nodded towards Solas. Ashwin, already regretting their loss of contact, moved passed her towards Solas, standing next to him. There was a perfect view across the green valley and into the crumbled shrine Ashwin had just fought through. Somewhere down there was Dorian, a thought that made an ache in his chest. Despite it, or maybe because of it, his first words to Solas were forced and angry.

“She called you an agent of Fen'Harel,” Ashwin said, not looking at Solas. He heard the man sigh, but it was not frustrated. It was sad. 

“The truth is much simpler than the qunari believed. I am an agent of no one but myself,” Solas said, sounding more tired and saddened than Ashwin had ever heard him. The shock of his tone made it hard to process his words, but eventually Ashwin realised the truth and stared at Solas, shock ripping through him like the Anchor had before.

“You're Fen'Harel. The Dread Wolf,” Ashwin said. 

“I was Solas first. Fen'Harel was an insult I turned into a badge of pride. It frightened my enemies and gave my people something to rally behind. It was useful,” Solas confirmed. He did not sound proud. 

Ashwin felt frozen. The flames that had consumed him were now ice, cracking in his heart and mind and sending him spinning. He had known from the Archivist and the ruins in the valley that the elven gods were not gods but to have one standing before him, confirming it? He had hoped maybe Solas would laugh and proclaim he was a true god, that the Dalish legends were true and he was nothing more than a trickster. 

Instead, Solas stood before him grave and serious, a deep sadness in his eyes and pity in his voice. Ashwin wondered if dying beside the eluvian would've hurt less. 

“Then- everything I had been brought to believe,” Ashwin began, but found he could not say anymore. The words stuck in his throat. Solas gave him another sad, pitying look and Ashwin hated him for it. 

“Not entirely lies, but more legend than true fact. I did lock your Creators away, in a sense.”

“The Veil,” Ashwin breathed, the words paining him even as he thought them. Solas nodded solemnly. 

“The Evanuris were too hungry for power, too greedy. In their greed they would've destroyed the world. So I created the Veil to separate them from it,” he said. 

“You trapped them? Why didn't you kill them?” Ashwin asked. The shock was sending trembles through his body. He felt he could barely keep still. Solas gave him a look, and then blue swirled over his eyes. The whispers of the Well of Sorrows started in Ashwin's mind then, calling to Fen'Harel as if he could hear them. 

“You hear how hard it is to kill my people. Even though she was murdered, Mythal still has a presence here. I had to ensure the Enavuris would not have any affect on the world. Even if it meant changing it forever.”

“But it wasn't just the Enavuris you trapped, the elves left here, they were as connected to the Fade,” Ashwin pushed. Solas face became shadowed with grief. 

“Abelas told you that the humans did not take our immortality. He was right. When I severed the worlds, the elves were no longer immortal, our magic was weakened. When the quick children finally arrived, they found the ones left easy to enslave,” Solas paused, closing his eyes and taking a breath. “I meant to free my people from slavery, and instead delivered them to it once more.” 

Ashwin felt along his left arm, tracing the green mark, trying to think. How- why would Solas, this powerful ancient being- the man who ended Elvhenan, why would he-

“Why would you join the Inquisition? Why did you let Corypheus have that artifact? I don't- I can't understand,” Ashwin choked out, breath coming to him unsteadily as he tried desperately to understand everything he had learned. Solas regarded him for a moment, and in that look was the man Ashwin remembered scowling at tea and carefully painting murals. 

“I was weak when I awoke. It was a year before I joined the Inquisition. I had meant to unlock the orb myself, but found I could not. My agents allowed the Venatori to find it, and so give it to Corypheus. I had planned for it to kill him. I did not know he could extend his life in the way he did,” Solas explained, sounding very much like he was delivering a prepared lecture, and yet his eyes still held grief. “You were never meant to have the Anchor. No mortal could wield it and live.”

“So...everything that happened, Corypheus...the destruction he waged- all of that could've been avoided if you had just waited to be strong enough?” Ashwin said, feeling anger surge in him. “The Conclave- the Grey Wardens, all of it, all those people who died, they could've lived if you had just waited?” Ashwin's voice steadily rose, fury clearing his mind. Solas stood before him, infuriatingly passive, his eyes watching Ashwin with that same sorrow they held this whole time. “What was so urgent it was worth innocent lives?” Ashwin demanded finally. 

“Bringing down the Veil,” Solas said simply, and with that, the ice returned to Ashwin's body. The fury that had made his thoughts clear and sharp evaporated as quickly as it had come. He was tossed once more into a sea of confusion, and yet underlying it was a terror whose reason he could not place. 

“Why?” Ashwin asked finally, dreading Solas' answer. 

“To free them. The Enavuris,” Solas replied. 

Ashwin had no reply for him. It felt as though every word he knew left him, leaving him stranded and aghast in a world that no longer made sense. The fear that had underlined his curiosity now climbed from his belly to sit atop his heart, nearly crushing him with the weight. 

“When I trapped them, I cursed them to an enteral torment. They had killed Mythal, the voice of reason, the best of them, and for that I wanted them to pay. I did not realise that in doing so I was dooming this world. Where once there was a land of unending beauty and spirit, I awoke to a place more terrible than I had ever dreamed. It was like walking amongst a world of Tranquil. I could not bear it.” Solas turned away from him, and his shoulders heaved with breath. Ashwin hardly dared to open his mouth. When he turned back, tears were being to run down Solas' face. “You say I killed innocent people with my impatience. You are right. I killed a whole culture with it. With my need to avenge Mythal. I seek now to right that wrong. Now that I control the eluvians, I can do it. I can return this world to the way it was, restore my people.”

Solas walked closer to Ashwin, keeping an arm's length apart still, but closer than he was before and closer than he had ever got while at Skyhold. The sorrow in his eyes made the fear in Ashwin double in weight, nearly buckling him. He didn't want to know whatever it was Solas had to say next. He did not want to know anything else. He wanted to be ignorant again, to believe in his gods and his people, to wear his vallaslin proudly. Words still failed him; his protests became gasping, pained breaths. 

“But to do that, I must destroy this world. To save my people, I must kill yours,” Solas said finally. 

“NO!” Ashwin shouted, the word tearing itself free. Solas bowed his head, tears still glistening on his cheeks. “No, Solas, you can't. You can't abandon the Dalish- the elves like that,” Ashwin pleaded, his voice desperate. He turned around to face his sister. “Nia! Nia, tell him he can't...” he drifted off, changing from begging to shock as he looked at her. She was crying too, but she was not shocked. She was not even surprised. She was looking at her brother the way Solas had, with wearied, ancient sorrow. “You knew,” Ashwin said. She nodded, and the simple motion felt like she kicked him in his stomach. Bile rose in his throat, and he stumbled away from them, towards the eluvian, his right hand clutching his head. 

“I'm so sorry, Ashwin. You showed me how wrong I was about your people, and I will always be grateful to you. But they pale compared to mine. I have to restore what I destroyed. This world-” Solas paused, trying to edge closer to Ashwin. “This world is not worth saving,” he finished finally, stopping his slow movements as Ashwin stumbled further back. 

The reality of it, the way Solas spoke as if there was no other option, the way his own sister kept looking at him with pity, it was too much. Ashwin fell to his knees, curling in on himself, his breaths becoming heaves. His right hand was a fist, pushing against the ground, as if he could plunge far enough to go back to a world where things made sense. His sister- his twin. Nia, who had been with him since birth. They were born together, grew up together, their lives entwined more closely than anyone could know. 

She was willing to sacrifice him for Solas. She was willing to sacrifice him, herself, the entire world for Solas's goals. He couldn't help the moan that erupted out of him. He sounded like a wounded animal, begging for a hunter's knife to end his suffering. He was a wounded animal, and his killers were standing before him. They had made a victim of every life in Thedas. Was it a slow death Solas promised? Or would magic overwhelm them and drive them mad first? 

A soft touch startled him, and he looked up to see Nia winding her arms around his shoulders and pressing her face into his. Her tears fell on Ashwin's cheeks and he couldn't pull away. He could not bring himself to return her embrace, even when she wrapped her other arm around him to and hugged him close. Her sobs could not break through the ice that settled over him. Solas, his hands up as if trying to calm Ashwin, ventured closer, and knelt in front of him. 

“We're out of time, Ashwin. I know what I say can never be comfort enough, but I am truly sorry. I should've born the Anchor, not you. You never deserved this pain,” Solas said. 

Ashwin opened his mouth to reply, and pain, twice the pain of before, ripped through his arm. He felt truly, this time, that his body was being pulled in two. Was this how Corypheus felt when Ashwin killed him? 

Ashwin didn't even know he was screaming until his throat burned, well past hoarse. It felt like he was swallowing glass, but he could not stop the sound. He curled around himself, Nia's arms still around him, her voice in his ear but all he knew was green, blazing light. There was suddenly a tight grip on his arm, and another on his face, forcing him to look upwards. Solas's eyes blazed with blue light, and the pain lessened enough for Ashwin to think. 

“Solas, please, you don't have to do this. We are worth saving, I will prove it to you,” Ashwin gasped, gripping Solas's arm with his right hand, his left held up by Solas. Solas smiled, and in that smile was his friend, looking sadly at him. 

“I would treasure the chance to be wrong once again, my friend,” he said, loosening his grip on Ashwin's face and sliding Ashwin's arm through his hand until he gripped Ashwin's. There was a flash of blue light, and suddenly Ashwin's hand and forearm were consumed by rippling green light. Solas let him go, and stood, regarding him with serious, wearied eyes. “Live well, while time remains,” he said softly, and turned to the eluvian. 

Ashwin gasped with the new, strange feeling that was consuming his left arm, and with his right he reached for his sister, gripping her hand like iron despite the now violent tremours ripping through him. Nia was silent except for sobs that were painful to hear. She moaned once, deep unending sadness in the sound and Ashwin leaned closer, desperately trying to keep her near. 

“It is your decision,” Solas's voice said, sounding far away. Nia sobbed harder at that, grabbing Ashwin's face and pressing their foreheads together. Ashwin didn't understand, but he held onto her with all the strength he could, trying to ignore the pinpricks like knives that were intensifying on his left arm. 

“Nia,” he begged, not sure what he was begging for, but his heart was aching and he knew that something terrible was going to happen. She let out another broken sound at that. 

“A- Ash- A- Ashwi- A,” she stammered, trying so hard to say his name, but the only thing she could muster was broken syllables. 

“Nia!” He said again, pleading with her, pleading for her to stay-

The realisation came too late. Nia, crying all the while, easily slipped out from Ashwin's weak grip. He tried to grab onto anything he could, but his shaking hand slid from her as if she was water and not his own flesh and blood. Her lips pressed onto his forehead, and he could hear the sobs caught in her throat. 

“Nia, Nia!” He pleaded again, still reaching for her, as she turned away. She didn't turn back, every step shaky forward towards Solas. 

“Nia!” Ashwin shouted, trying to crawl forward, trying to reach her before she got to Solas, whose hand was outstretched towards her. Ashwin screamed her name when she took it. Her shoulders were hunched, her body was shaking and her hand was white from how tightly she gripped Solas. 

She still did not turn back. 

Ashwin screamed her name, again and again as the pinpricks turned into stabbing. She did not pause, she did not turn back. She and Solas walked as one towards the eluvian.

“Nia!” Ashwin screamed. They took the final steps and were in front of the mirror.

“Nia!” Ashwin screamed. Solas dropped Nia's hand, and with a final look at his friend, slipped through. 

“Nia!” Ashwin screamed. She was gone, following her lover through the eluvian, going beyond Ashwin's reach forever. 

His last scream did not end as the stabbing turned into tearing, the green swirling faster around his arm, the magic ripping along until-

It was gone. No pain, no green light, no otherwordly powers.

All that was left was a stump just below his elbow. 

His left hand was gone.

He heard, as if from a great distance, someone calling his name, another person calling it too, and finally the soft swoosh that announced Cole. 

“Burning, blazing bright, too hot, too hot to hold. That pain is over but a new one takes it's place,” Cole murmured, one hand reaching out to touch where Ashwin's hand had been.

Ashwin did not take his eyes from the eluvian, even as Dorian threw his arms around him, saying his name among pleading and relief but Ashwin could not look away. His heart was broken. When Nia chose Solas's way over him, she broke it. She knew that. She knew he would never be the same once he knew. She knew that about the vallaslin- why? Why had she let this happen?

“Cole, what's wrong? Why isn't he- Oh. Oh, Ashwin,” Dorian's voice said, and Ashwin felt another hand touch the stump where his left forearm once was. 

“She's gone. She knew she would break my heart, and she did it anyway. She's gone again. She left again. We were never apart and now she is gone. Out of my reach, finally, forever,” Cole said. 

Ashwin screamed again as tears began anew and he clutched his left arm, as if somehow Nia's return would fix it. She would never return, his arm would never be whole and one day Solas would kill them all. 

Dorian pulled Ashwin to his chest and cradled him as his scream turned to pained cries and choking sobs.

His clan was dead. His gods were a lie. He would never use a bow again.

Nia was gone.


End file.
